I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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