I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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