capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Randomize
