Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
