if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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