you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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