i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Randomize
