Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
