you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize