I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
