I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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