i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
