the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
