How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
mondays should just be called national damage control day
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
