um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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