I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
