Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Randomize
