Cold hands, warm shart.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
