And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
