you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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