Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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