my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
