vagina is talking i cant
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
