i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
