I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
why is half of my head shaved?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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