to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
