the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
