I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
