she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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