Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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