captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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