how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
