worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
