Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
