Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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