I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
