filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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