who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
