Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
