my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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