i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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