I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
