I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
