I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
