1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you traded sex for a burrito?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
