I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
