I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
