soooo we both peed the bed last night...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
