He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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