it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
