He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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