Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
