He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
