my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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