so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
