Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize