You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
